well ok! a year & a half has passed & I finally decided to share my he(art) here again. thank you, Substack, for being a safe space to share. I hope to be here more often. Instagram is really just exhausting my fumes anyway.
I originally joined this platform to put my words somewhere where they could be heard & accepted & potentially understood. so I wrote about an epiphany I had in 2023 - all about the inner workings of some of my human-ness ( or just perfectionism/mental illness, I can’t quite put my finger on it). I started a Substack & decided to call it Born Again Bold - I wanted to embody what it represented to me: transformation. so I posted about the emotional process I was going through to start it all off. it ended up leading to some tension within my relationship at the time because they began to realize all that I was writing about was in fact true ( refer to first blog post ). with my world shifting so suddenly, I continued in the loop of shame for months because we indeed did not make it through that following winter. excruciating heart break took over my life for awhile & I began a new process of becoming whole again. flash forward to the present & I haven’t been on here since. I seriously felt so much shame! BUT, to gift myself healing & the motivation to get back on track, I went to school to become a breath-work facilitator & began creating like crazy because grief will make you transform literally anything into everything & I just could not stop. I was fired up to create a new life for myself after such a big transition from one way of living ( in love with an illusion ) to another ( in love with myself ). & through the fire of my fight to find all the parts of myself I feared I had lost forever, I launched a business as a breath-work facilitator & healing artist-officially! after years of gathering tools & confidence to own my skills, I finally decided to honor & breathe life into what I have constantly been drawn to step into ( my power ). I literally bought an LLC & opened a bank account before having my first client, talk about some blind faith. I was getting way ahead of myself, but now, as I am being forced to chew the big bite I took & it’s actually beginning to taste like something good. oh the sweet, sweet taste of your own fruit.
funny enough, I named her Born Again Bold! I just had to. the way it makes me feel like I am dancing like no one else is watching when I think about the essence of it, I feel empowered! & I want to help empower others to work through their pain to find purpose & authentic joy within their bodies. & with the body being the one & only score keeper, I get to do that through some beautifully deep & heartfelt facilitating of the somatic practices that have transformed my life for the better- especially my art & sense of security in my body. I am still evolving with what BAB is going to be, but really learning to love & embrace the process & the absolute mystery of following the little voice inside my heart.
& with all of that, I feel it is only fitting that I begin again, writing like I always wanted to. about my journey of transformation through the never ending loss & creation of being human. as well as sharing the medicine that is soothing salve in my life through various practices, stories, inspirations & more.
BAB is here to honor the life/death/life cycles & inner workings of what it means to feel & be connected to what is raw & alive within us, freedom! it is for individuals seeking to grow beyond their own limitations into a life of honest creation. a force for change, which I have a love/ hate relationship with as it comes & goes - change itself. as inevitable as it is, it still rocks me. but does anyone else go through a major life event or feel deep pain & then hear a little part inside yourself getting off on the fact that you are about to make so much potent art?? I know you know what I mean…
anyway! here is a poem I wrote back
in the fall of 2021 while going through a big transition, as I was in between worlds. one as a monogamous young lover to a sexually liberated woman, but I had no idea that that was what was actually happening.
:: discovering my bones ::
i’ve been gathering bones
& writing sad poems
I’ve been living in my shadow
I even let the dark feed the dark, darker
to the point where I burst & a fire began
to burn me down again
into nothing, but bone, ash, air
& everything of the memories that were left inside of them
my own structure & stability had to be re-formed
what was, wasn’t anymore
so I began to pick up the pieces with gentle love & care
the bones became a home to me again, a place to be held
I could be
with a new found respect, I reassessed my marrow
I re-created myself like I had never done anything like it before-
because I hadn’t
I said thank you as I awoke & I love you as I went to sleep
I started to find comfort in being all that I had
my breath filled the bones & began to lift me upright
I began walking in peace, even into the dark
being alone in my bones gave me no choice
I had to find home in the surrender
a gift of the present I feared i’d never remember
yet now, I was no longer made to forget
I was birthed here to rumble on as a shapeshifter of the divine
give it time, the bones did whisper
piecing yourself together with love & care is no race
though, no matter what, I felt like I had won
I uncovered the light of my soul
the roars of my heart
the deep remembrance that my very own existence
is art
<3